The psychologist John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on marriage and relationships, says he is able to predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy by just observing the interaction of a couple for a few minutes
But this ability is not mere intuition, but the result of a large amount of research developed over two decades that has led him to identify what he calls the four riders of the apocalypse of relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and emotional withdrawal
"We found that we could predict more than 90% accuracy of what would happen to a relationship over the next three years by examining the psychology and behavior of a couple during a conversation about a topic in which they did not agree and interviewed them about their past. In couples that lasted, the rate of positive versus negative affirmations during a conflicting conversation was 5 to 1. In the relationships that ended, the rate was around 1 to 1. "
In his investigations he also found that There are people who are especially good at maintaining relationships. It's about people looking for things to appreciate, seeing the good in others, while people who are especially disastrous in their relationships do the opposite, focusing on the mistakes and defects of their partner.
Of course, the Criticism or defensiveness is something that can happen in any couple. The difference is that people who know how to relate well realize that something is wrong and try to repair it. But the most important thing is not whether someone tries to repair a damage, but the other person accepts that attempt to repair it or, on the contrary, reacts by releasing one of the four riders against their partner.
The Four Horsemen
- ] Reviews. Keep in mind that criticizing your partner is not the same as expressing a complaint or criticizing a particular behavior or situation. In the first case, you are attacking your partner as a person, while in the second you are heading towards a specific behavior or fact. That is, it is not the same to say to your partner: "It bothers me when you do such a thing because it makes me feel bad", that to say "you are selfish for doing that". Likewise, it is not the same to say: "I worried when I saw that you did not appear and you did not call me. I thought we agreed that we would call ourselves in such a case ", that to say:" you are selfish, you do not think about how others can feel, you do not care ". Therefore, it is good to express complaints or criticisms, but always in a way that does not involve an attack on your partner as a person.
When destructive criticisms occur frequently, they make the appearance of the other three easier. riders destroying relationships because they make the other person feel attacked, rejected and hurt, and can lead the couple to fall into a dynamic in which criticism occurs more and more frequently.
- Contempt. Contempt is one of the most destructive behaviors in a relationship. It can be seen in teasing, comments to ridicule the other person or make them feel stupid or inferior, insults, mock imitations, comments that convey the idea that you are superior to your partner or certain gestures that they indicate rejection, like looking away with contempt. Actually, you do not have to say anything to convey contempt to your partner; A simple look may suffice.
In his research, Gottman also found that couples who treat each other with contempt are more likely to suffer from infectious diseases, such as colds or flu, because their immune system is weaker. Contempt is the main predictor of breakup in a couple.
- Defensivity . Defensiveness is about looking for excuses and not accepting responsibility for our behavior. The excuses convey to the other person the message that you do not take them seriously, trying to make them believe something that is not true. For example, when you do not do a task that you had to do and react in a defensive way saying that you have had a lot of work all week or even try to turn the situation around and pretend that it is your partner who is at fault: " I could not do it because I had too much work. You could have done it, because you know perfectly well that I have a lot of work these days. " A more appropriate response might have been: "You're right, I'm sorry, I should have told you that it would be impossible for me to do it and ask you if you could do it, but I forgot completely."
The person who is on the defensive does not he recognizes his part of guilt, nor does he ask for forgiveness, but tries to blame the other person and even gets angry and acts as if he were the innocent victim before any complaint from his partner, however reasonable it may be. Sometimes, you may have a good explanation for having acted like this, as is the case of the example (you have too much work, you forget, you make a mistake), because we are all human and we are wrong. The problem is not that it happens, but how you react to your partner's complaints. But you can always recognize your part of guilt, ask for forgiveness and explain why it happened as a way of informing your partner of what happened and not as an excuse or using it to blame the other person for what happened.
- Emotional withdrawal It implies withdrawing from the interaction with your partner, stop responding, stop listening to him, look the other way and build a wall between them. Instead of facing the problem, you resort to evasive maneuvers such as turning your back, disconnecting from the interaction, acting as if you were busy or engaging in obsessive behaviors. It usually appears when the other three riders have been installed in the relationship for some time and it is overwhelming enough to need to escape from it in this way. But once it appears, it usually becomes a habit that prevents solving problems.
When the interaction with your partner has reached a point where you need to resort to withdrawal, it is preferable to tell him that you need to stop a little because you feel very overwhelmed and spend half an hour doing something relaxing, like reading or listening to music, without thinking about the discussion. If you follow the conversation later, both will be more relaxed and the interaction will be more positive.
By Ana Muñoz - about.com
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