In a recently published article, Laia Oliva, a Spanish psychologist, explains how to detect psychological abuse in the couple.
The specialist in couples therapy defines psychological abuse as a perverse behavior and destructive that one member of the couple exercises over the other, of greater vulnerability. Behaviors of psychological abuse occur in asymmetric relationships, in which one is placed above the other dominated, and this other progressively loses its sense of freedom.
Next, explains that psychological abuse is gestated in a ] first phase of the relationship, in which it is gradually established, through a process of seduction . In this first phase, the victim is destabilized, who progressively loses confidence in herself.
The one who mistreats, specifies the psychologist, seduces her partner to attract her, while at the same time indirectly operates manipulatively, to influence him more and more, and thus get his partner to decide or behave differently than he would spontaneously. Thus, the other is made to believe that he is free, he is prevented from becoming aware of the reality of the harassment, since it is an insidious and gradual process, in which reality is confused due to the manipulation exercised and the process of seduction
Adds that the victim is losing the critical sense and the ability to defend herself remains in a dependent mode, showing her follow-up to the couple abuser who exerts a destructive control.
In a first phase of the domination phase, the victim obeys to please his partner, later he does so because he is afraid, indicates.
] He then maintains that in psychological harassment communication is deformed in order to use the other and this deformation of communication is necessary to keep confused the person suffering from the situation of abuse, stating that: [19659009] - The communication is not direct: the abuser does not use clear and direct language. It is sinuous and indirect. Does not respond to questions or does it with disapproving gestures, rejects dialogue, denies the existence of conflict.
- Deformation of language: the message of its sentences can be vague and imprecise, generating confusion. Can hold contradictory speeches, not finish the sentences so the interpretations can be several, give insidious messages that he later denies ...
-In his aggressive behaviors, the tone of the language can be normal not altered . It uses an abstract language or dogmatic, in which the interlocutor becomes disoriented.
- Incomplete and paradoxical messages. Things are said without saying them, it is attacked in the form of " joke ", one thing is said verbally and in the nonverbal the opposite is expressed. The interpretations of the victim are denied.
- Use of sarcasm, ridicule and contempt The assaulted person perceives the hostility but is not sure if the thing is serious or is a joke. The aggressor disqualifies, initially in an underground manner, and subsequently does so directly.
- Stop speaking to the other ridicule or offend him before others.
- Deprivation of the free expression of the other for example, through questioning and prosecution with respect to the expressions of the victim.
- Negative allusions regarding the victim's relatives so , confront them among themselves
- Imposition of authority with totalitarian discourse
Consequences of psychological abuse in the victim
Laia Oliva maintains that the victim is incapable to defend and get out of the problem. In a first phase of the mistreatment it resists, but with time it ends up yielding before the aggressor. Try to find logical explanations to what happens, look for dialogue with the aggressor to find solutions. However, dialogue is not possible, since the abuser is not willing to do so. Then, the victim tries to adapt to the demands of the persecutor, to avoid conflict and satisfy it. She feels confused by the duality exercised by the aggressor towards her and by her sinuous way of acting.
According to the psychologist, a victim of psychological abuse is identified when:
- She questions her own way of being, her attitudes and behaviors
- Excuse and exculpate her abuser, while blaming herself
- Doubt of herself and her actions
- Presents feeling of inferiority and emotional dependence
And with respect What causes a situation of prolonged psychological abuse, the professional states:
- Stress and tension: feelings of oppression, choking and fatigue, palpitations, sleep disorders, nervousness, irritability, headaches, digestive disorders, anxiety ...
- ] Fear of the encounters and reactions of the abusive partner
- Depression: after a long series of attempts and failures to solve the situation, the victim becomes demoralized and feels able to defend. He falls into a state of discouragement and sadness.
He then details what the environment can do to help the abused person:
Fearing the victim for his difficulties in getting out of the situation of abuse does not help at all It only makes things worse. This behavior will cause the person to move away and isolate himself more. The help consists of:
Listen to the victim: allow him to express himself freely, listening to what he needs to explain to us. It is important to make an active listening, in the sense of not establishing judgments that can distance the person from us, his help.
Speak from empathy: hear how the victim blames himself and excuse the abuser, can generate feelings of frustration and anger in the person who is trying to help, so often ends up fighting the victim.
An empathic listening means putting yourself in the place of the person who is opening before us, so it is important that what we say we do from the support, care and understanding.
Speak clearly: Say what we see and feel, show our concern. Speak without subtleties or taboos. Providing information and documentation on this subject, helps the victim to question the situation he is living in.
Offer him the agents that can help him get out of this situation: victim assistance telephones, contact a psychologist, groups of people who have suffered or suffer from psychological abuse within the couple, lawyers ...
Staying by the side of the victim: in the process of mistreatment, the victim becomes increasingly depressed at the same time that it moves away from theirs. So, very likely he will make excuses to stay, to talk on the phone ... limiting or cutting off communication with us. It is important to stay there, by your side. If necessary, by going to the police, to inform us with a social worker, lawyer and / or psychological health professional.
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